No Looking Back Now

Recently I’ve started feeling nostalgic…for myself. I’ve been thinking back to the days when I was (semi)carefree and in my own little world. Looking back, I thought I was happy (I wasn’t), I had great confidence (with self image issues) and a pretty good idea of what my future looked like (BOY WAS I WRONG). But with reminiscing on it all, I can’t help but feel happy (?!) that it all worked out the way that it did. I know it seems crazy but let me explain…

I have grown SO MUCH. The only way I could have ever learned so much about what I wanted in life was to go through some pretty shitty times. Would I ever want to do it all again? Well, no, not if I had a choice…BUT I’m glad that I did because honestly as cheesy as it sounds, I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t dealt with all the tough decisions and heartbreaking moments that popped up in the last 5 years. It’s been a great example of learning from your mistakes and has given me the knowledge to have a better understanding of which direction I want my life to go in. It’s been pretty interesting to look back on what I thought were devastating moments and realize that they were merely lessons helping me move forward. Losses, divorce, heartbreak, unemployment. Yes, these are all difficult to maneuver and understand, but they shouldn’t be a reason to give up and accept defeat. At least for me they weren’t. I may have a stubborn streak in me that was very determined to prove that I wouldn’t stay down long, I knew I had shit to do and I wasn’t going to stop until I got my feet back under me. I swear us women could breathe fire if we tried hard enough, that’s just how we operate.

When hard times hit you always panic and think “how am I ever going to overcome this?!” But guess what? You will, you always do. You move forward, persist and pretty soon you look back and wish you could give your past self a hug and tell them that much better things are ahead. As I slowly (and excitedly) move into new territory with my little life, I’ve started to notice little glimpses of my past (happier) self. And honestly, I’ve missed her. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was a few years ago, which is good, but the joyfulness and determined attitude I once had are finding their way back. I’m finally doing things for myself (and Casey) and living how I WANT to. At times I didn’t think I’d ever get here. If you would’ve asked me a year ago if I’d be in my own place, with a job I love, back in shape and beaming with a positive outlook I would’ve told you to piss off. I was in a bad place and had no idea what to expect for the upcoming year. And honestly, I still don’t know what to expect for the next year but it doesn’t even matter because I’m loving where I’m at now. Do I still want to make changes? Of course! I’d love to work on my finances more, find a man I can adore everyday, plan an actual holiday, build up my business and give Casey the experiences he deserves. I know there are probably tough times ahead but at least now I know I can make it through them. My support team pulled through this year and knowing I have back up makes it that much easier to face the unknown.

Just know that even when you’re feeling low, have been through hell and back and are ready to wave the white flag, that you are capable of facing and dealing with whatever experiences cross your path. Yes, it’ll be hard, but one day you’ll realize that you’re smiling and laughing and that you haven’t thought about all the tough times in a long time. You’ll soon start to replace those sad memories with joyful new ones and it’ll all seem so far away. Just keep moving forward one little step at a time and it’ll all pay off in the long run. Ask for support, cry to a few friends, write down goals, and be so stubborn on your path to happiness. You’ll learn some things about yourself and those close to you and you may lose a few people along the way, but trust me, it’s all a part of the process. What’s good for you will stay. You’re much stronger than you think πŸ’—

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